An Anniversary

A year ago today, this happened....

It seems both a lifetime ago, and just like yesterday. I'll be honest and say that I dont remember a huge ammount of the day. I think I was running on Adreneline.

I remember calling up before we left to check they still wanted us. They didnt have a bed but were hopeful so told us to come anyway.

I remember playing sonic the hedgehog with Mr CD while H slept. 

I remember taking him to theatre. He did NOT want to give in to the anesthetic and fought it like a tiger.

I remember seeing his face for the first time, some how rounder than it was when i'd left him a couple of hours previously.

That's about all I remember of the day. I do, however, remember every sodding thing of the night, and for the 20+ nights that followed. Something in that anaesthetic knocked the sleep out of him, and it took us weeks to get it back.

Thinking about it now its a strange mix of pride and sadness. He is doing really well - so well infact that I have struggled with what to blog about. There isnt much interest in nothing at all. Its the sadness that I struggle with. I must stress that he is fine - day to day you wouldnt know he had had a cleft. But deep down is a latent sadness of what he had to endure and what is still to come. 

I have recently come to the realisation that the sadness I feel isnt actually a feeling, but a memory of the feeling. The fear and uncertainty was so strong that a part of it is embedded in my brain. I am used to it now and it is so deep down that I don't usually notice it. Its only when I think about it too much - so I try not to.

I didn't really mean for this to turn into a sad post. I'm not sad, I am just aware that if I feel these things then others probably do too. Its ok to feel and to remember how you felt, and it is ok to acknowledge it.

H is great. He is walking and vocalising (and singing, oddly). We are expecting an appointment with Speech and Language in the new year which will be interesting. Otherwise, as I said, not much to report.