Countdown

Tuesday of this week was an important day in our house in a couple of respects. Firstly it was my brothers birthday, but before you go thinking how lovely it is that I hold that day in such esteem you should know its less about the anniversary of his impinging on my status as only child, and more about that now it's out of the way I am allowed to get excited for Christmas. More importantly however, at least for the purposes of this blog, it marks 2 weeks until H's operation.

I genuinely cannot believe how quickly this has come around. The last 15 weeks have been a blur and I cant quite believe we have already passed on the first batch of clothes to pregnant friends. The rocking crib is up for sale, and H's personality is shining through. He is a very smiley boy and loves to play and be sung to. He has also started giggling over the last couple of weeks which is lovely, although he mainly giggles for his dad. His dad says its because he is funnier. I say its because he looks funnier.

The reflux has once again settled. He still has some but not so much he can't deal with it. He is back on the higher dose of Gaviscon and seems to be coping with it well although we do have laxatives on standby just in case.

Thank you for all your lovely messages wishing me well for my PND and my husband well for my constant singing of Evita. That particular obsession only lasted 5 days by which time I think Mr CleftDiary was ready to beat Andrew Lloyd-Webber with a hammer - moods are funny thing. I went from there to another obsession which needed headphones as it involved swearing. This had the added benefit of being much quieter. I am fine though, I caught it early and am feeling back to my normal(?) self.

No?

Well ok, moving on!

If you 'like' the page on facebook (and if not, why not!) you will have seen that last week was full of appointments. On Tuesday H had a scan on his kidneys, this involved having some dye injected through a cannula in his hand. Despite the nurses insistence that H would scream but it would be ok, he barely woke up. He was, however, wide awake while being scanned. This could have been an issue as he had to be very still for them to get the information they needed. He was brilliant though and stayed as still as you could possibly expect a baby to be. This made him the darling of the department as you can imagine.

Wednesday saw a return to BCH for the cleft clinic and pre-op. We were given plenty of information about what to bring, where to go and what would happen on the day. After the appointment we went and had a good nosey around. We found the play and admission centre and had a look around. It has an outdoor area, loads of toys, a sensory room and some games consoles, which Mr CleftDiary had to be steered away from. For my part, I had to be steered away by Mr CleftDiary from the Gruffalo statues. He was immune to my insistence that they would look great in the garden.

Although Wednesday was a little full of information, I think I have at least got the essentials of what I need to take with me. Mr CD has requested hospital accommodation so he can be on hand overnight which he will hopefully get but if we don't we know its because there are people who need it more than we do. Other than that I am trying not to think about it too much, other than getting as much Christmas shopping (or 'elfing' as we call it when in earshot of our oldest) done as possible. If the last 15 weeks has flown, the next 4 will do so even more.

I am considering live tweeting on the day of the operation (subject to the usual conditions of remembering and not being a complete mess on the day). It may have the downside of spamming your facebook/twitter page for the day, but the upside of giving me something to do. Let me know your thoughts.

Up and Downs

Today was an exciting day in our house. My parents, who live next door to us, came back from 3 weeks election-rigging in the USA. My eldest son had missed them terribly, despite being assured that they were 'working' and not on holiday at all (ahem!)

What with them being away, half term, and what seems like endless medical appointments the last few weeks has disappeared in a flurry of school runs, running late and screaming (not all of it mine.) The one thing this last couple of weeks has taught me is that even if we could afford to privately educate our children we wouldn't, as that would mean having to keep them occupied for 2 weeks over a half term and 8 weeks in summer. We barely made it alive after only one week.

H is going on OK. He is 13 weeks now and we are only 3 1/2 weeks from his operation.You may remember from a previous post that he had reflux that had twice caused him to choke, once quite badly. Since then we had been giving him Gaviscon in every feed and it really seemed to help. We had no more reflux and no more choking, and the only side effect was that it made his poo a bit....playdoh-ey. A couple of weeks ago he started to reflux again but we had been told by the doctors that once he got beyond a certain weight we could increase the dosage of Gaviscon in his feed. Unfortunately, this had the effect of locking his poor little bowels solid, going from mild discomfort to screaming pain in a couple of days.  After a quick chat with the cleft team and the GP's we took him off the Gaviscon and put him on something called Renitadine which works in a different way but has a similar effect. Whereas Gaviscon thickens the milk, Ranitidine decreases stomach acid production so in theory shouldn't turn his poo into concrete. Ranitidine does take a few days to get into the system so the reflux came back temporarily but in the end we decided to split it down the middle and give the Ranitidine and a lower dose of Gaviscon and that does seem to be working. As for H's solid bowels, we got some laxatives from the GP and that seems to have done the trick. This evening we have had a far happier baby than we've had for a couple of weeks.

Just as an aside, my top tip for situations requiring laxatives is to give the stated dose about an hour before you are due to go out with some friends for the evening, leaving the baby with your significant other. I do not recommend doing this to babysitters as these people are like gold dust and you to not want to piss them off.

I am hoping that the reflux/constipation issues will sort themselves out now as it was affecting H's feeding and that is the last thing we want this close to the operation. He hasn't got the most relaxing week coming up either, what with test on his kidneys on Tuesday (not cleft related) where he will be injected with dye and scanned, followed by cleft clinic and pre-op on Wednesday and injections Thursday, he is going to be in a cracking mood for our family weekend away next Friday.

Mental note: Pack Calpol.

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One final thing to mention, and while not strictly related I think it is important to talk about.

This week, I was prescribed antidepressants for Post-Natal Depression. I have suffered from depression various times over the last 10 years, and been on these particular tablets before and they have worked well for me. What I have been feeling the last couple of weeks is not typical of the depression I have had in the past. Before there would be a slow decline in mood until one thing tipped me over the cliff and into the void. Once you have 'gone over' it is a long and difficult process to get back to where you were.

I am pleased to say that that void is not what I have been experiencing recently. Instead of a slow decline, my moods have been wildly erratic. While the lows have been awful they had been manageable until one particularly low moment last week when I realised (with the help of a wonderful midwife) that if I didn't get help I would go over the edge and soon. I owe it to my family to be mentally well enough to look after them and myself so I sought help.

I am confident, as is my GP, that these mood swings are hormonal in nature. I do have trouble with hormones and I think mine are just not settling down as quickly as they should. They are certainly nothing to do with H's cleft or his impeding operation. While I know it will be hard on the day, I have complete trust in the team at BCH and up to now I have had no worries or concerns about it. I am sure that will change closer to the time, that is only natural, but it is not the source of my depression at the moment.

It may seem self indulgent to write about this, or maybe it seems like a ploy to gain attention. I can assure you it is none of these things. I am evangelical about the need to talk openly about mental health issues, but I normally only do so when I am well. Talking about it when I haven't been myself is hard. It is harder when you seem well on the outside, which in public I am fairly confident I do. I know I avoid eye contact when I'm starting on a downward slope, it's one of my internal warning signs which tells me to monitor my mood closely.

The tablets take a good few days to get into your system properly, but I am already noticing some positive effects. Most noticeable today was giddiness, which this medication has been known to induce in me. It caused me to be dancing round the kitchen doing a rather fantastic (if I do say so myself...and I do) rendition of 'Oh What a Circus' from Evita for nearly an hour. In general though I feel the mood swings lessening in severity which is a massive bonus....if only for my poor husband.

For one thing, he hates musicals.