Smile

Last weekend was sponsored by Day Nurse and Dettol. Starting on Friday I managed to develop a heavy cold and my eldest spent Sunday battling a horrid sickness bug. This was not what we needed with less than 10 days until the operation. Skip forward to today and things are much better. Thanks to quarantining and liberal quantities of alcohol gel, we seem to have managed to keep H and the bugs separate. If we can keep this up until Tuesday then we will be happy.

Lots of people have been asking me how I am in the run up to the operation, and the honest answer has been 'fine'. I haven't been worried about it, or dreading it. In fact, in a perverse way, I have been slightly looking forward to it. Or if not looking forward to it, looking forward to getting it over with and putting it behind us. Its something we have been talking about for months and it feels like its time has come.

The last couple of days, however, I've had a new feeling. Its hard to explain what the feeling is, only what it isn't. It isn't fear. I am not scared for H, he will be in excellent hands, and although he will be in pain afterwards and that will be horrible he will be given painkillers so he can be comfortable. It's not apprehension, or worry. The closest thing I can get to it is sadness.

I'm sad because I'm going to miss him. Miss him as he is now, with his cleft making his wide smile that much wider. Miss him sticking his tongue through the gap in his gum when he's hungry. I'm going to miss the little boy he is. All babies grow up and change, but they do so gradually. This change will be big and sudden, and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. Then again I'm not sure you are ever ready for your child to change and grow. It tends to happen when you aren't looking.

I know this is for the best, that it needs to be done. I know that the surgeons will do an excellent job and that in a few weeks/months/years you may never know there was a cleft there. But that cleft is part of who H is, and its a part of him I will miss very much. I never thought I would feel this way but I do. I am looking forward to seeing what he will look like, but I will miss him for what he is now more than I can say.


 _________________________________________________________________________________

After many conversations with Mr CD we have decided to 'live tweet' the day on the twitter & facebook to give a true account of our experiences on the day. You can follow us on @cleft_diary or https://www.facebook.com/CleftDiary - #HCleftOp