Bad Day

The first few posts have all been like story. Memories of what happened, recorded as honestly as possible but with the obvious benefit of hindsight. From now, posts will be more immediate, more  'in the moment' and possibly more rash. I may regret what I write a little more, but I will always try and be honest as to how I feel.

So, here goes....

Today is not a good day.

I can't tell you why exactly. I woke up feeling a weight of sadness in my chest. Sadness for the situation, and knowing what is to come.

The baby is kicking away in my stomach, quite oblivious to what is ahead for him. The operations, the hospital visits, the prodding and the poking. And I feel sorry for him because it has to be done, and it's undoubtably for the best. But that doesn't mean I want it for him.

I also know for sure that it is far better that all of the procedures happen while he is a baby. I imagine trying to explain what is going to happen to my 3 year old; independent, aware of and interested in everything. Of course it's better it happens when the baby is small. But that does not mean I want it for him.

I'm worried about what will happen in the hours after he is here. How will he feed? Bottle? Syringe? Tube?

Will we be separated? I know that he may need to go to Special Care Baby Unit so they can help with feeding. Will he know that he's away from us? Will he wonder where we are?

My rational brain knows that the midwives, the cleft team and everyone else will make sure he is fed. That if he does need to go to SCBU he won't be away from us. We'll be there, next to him, fighting everything alongside him so he will never be alone. But that doesn't mean I want it for him.

Finally I feel guilty, because I'm now 38 weeks pregnant and desperate for him to be here. I'm desperate to see him and be able to do something for him. The feeling of impotence I've had for the last 18 weeks is becoming unbearable. I am a do-er, and not being able to do anything is crippling. But with that is the knowledge that by wishing him here earlier I am wishing the operations, the hospital visits, the prodding and the poking on him all the sooner. Any that's not fair. He seem's to be happy where he is, even if I am not.

After the initial diagnosis I became very, very good at compartmentalising everything. I was able to have frequent, detailed conversations with family and friends about the cleft. What it was, what it would look like, what operations he will need and how I was absolutely fine with it. I would do all of that without actually thinking about what was coming. I would go through the conversation by rote time and time again, without ever actually dealing with it. I thought that by acting like I was fine, I would be fine. I knew deep down that it doesn't work like that, and when I was on my own, with the world locked out, I would cry and allow myself to not be ok for a while.

Days like this have become, thankfully, much less frequent as the weeks have passed, and for the most part I can honestly say I've become ok with it. Or, if not ok with it, used to it. Able to live with it rather than around it. That said, I reserve the right to revert to a bad day like today.

If you're reading this as a parent dealing with a new diagnoses, please don't be alarmed. You will have times like this, but by talking to someone about it you can work through the sadness and back towards being ok again. Talk to your partner, your parents, a friend, anyone. If you are carrying the baby yourself remember that pregnancy hormones are a bloody nuisance and have a way of distorting the magnitude of what you are feeling. That doesn't mean that what you are feeling is wrong, or that you are overreacting, but it does mean that the immediate pain and panic will pass and rational you will be back soon.

In the mean time you have my permission to grab a cup of tea (in leiu of Gin) and a packet of biscuits and to put your feet up. Homes Under the Hammer starts soon.  Take your time to relax and be ok again, and know that however alone you may feel that you are not. There is huge support out there for when you need it.

Much love.

I'm off in search of cookies.