He was tall, with his tie undone, shirt untucked and his bag slung casually over his shoulder. I watched him walk down the road in the centre of a large group of boys, laughing, joking and brimming with confidence.
I didn't initially notice any of that though.
What I saw, was his nose.
It was just like H's. Flat on his left hand side.
At BCH the consultant had discussed H's nose. For some reason I had thought that the flatness would be corrected as part of the lip operation however this is not the case. The hospital do offer a rhinoplasty but as a general rule they do not consider it until the child is in their mid teens so that they can make the decision themselves. When we thought about it, we completely agreed with that approach. It is one thing to consent to operations on medical grounds, but beyond that we feel that it is for H to make an informed decision about what happens to his own body.
My approach to this whole experience has been to take everything one step at a time, and not worry about the future until it is here. As such I hadn't thought any more about H's nose until I saw this young man getting off the bus. As soon as I registered what I was seeing I braced myself to feel panic. As someone who had a, frankly, shit high school experience, I am not relishing the thought of either of my boys attending the local high school. In that moment, it occurred to me that H could be in for a rougher ride than I had previously considered. But then I looked again, and the panic I was expecting wasn't there.
The boy was surrounded by a large group of young people, and shouting farewell and others as he headed for home. He was smiling and joking. He was clearly enjoying himself in a way I never did at his age.
I have made a commitment never to talk about my high school experience to my boys. My brother went to the same school 3 years behind me had a very different experience and a long time has passed since we were there. L & H's school experience will in all probability be completely different to mine, and I don't want to prejudice their experience. That said I wouldn't be human if I didn't worry a little bit.
I really hesitated writing this. I'm not sure what conclusion you as a reader are meant to draw and I am completely aware of how presumptuous and even hypocritical I sound. I am in no way saying that all children with clefts have a rough time at school. I don't even know that the boy I saw had a cleft. However, the point of this blog is to be honest, When I looked at that boy I saw my son in 15 years time, and my past experiences are bound to affect my hopes and fears for my children. That said, I walked away from that boy surrounded by his friends and I was smiling - oddly full of hope for something I wasn't aware that I was worried about until 30 seconds earlier.
No comments:
Post a Comment