Limbo

Good Friday to Easter Monday are a bit of a blur to me. I seemed to exist in 3 states. Nausea/Vomiting, Sobbing and zombie numbness. I fluctuated between them in varying and interesting combinations, but they were all there. 

The nausea/vomiting began in earnest on Good Friday morning. On Thursday night my husband and I, mistakenly thinking it may reassure us, read through all of the information which was sent to us by our referral midwife. It was the start of a thought we have had a lot over the last 3 months, which is 'We know you have to tell us all of the possibilities and risks, but we really REALLY wish you wouldn't.' I'm not a believer in sugar coating generally, but occasionally it has its uses. 

The next morning I woke up feeling sick. Within an hour or two I was being sick, barely able to keep anything down. 

I'm slightly phobic about vomiting, so have been lucky that neither pregnancies have resulted in morning sickness as such, more 6 weeks of constant nausea and the ability to tolerate a very narrow range of foods. I never actually vomited with either pregnancy until this point. Over the next few days I seem to remember that's all I did. 

I was lucky enough to be on holiday for Easter but my poor husband had to work all weekend except Sunday and I still have no idea how he managed to do it without cracking. The waiting was unbearable. On Easter Day, normally a bright and happy day in our family, my husband and I took our son to a local National Trust house to walk the grounds. We didn't feel bright or happy. We didn't feel joyful at Easter Day. We felt numb. We walked in the bright sunshine, chasing our little boy up and over fallen trees. We tried to be happy and normal for him but we wanted to run away ourselves. 

What the hell were we going to do?

Would we have to have an amnio?

What would it show?

Was it something I had done?

I am never great at remembering tablets at the best of times. Did I miss one too many Folic Acid or Multivitamin? 

Was it the cold and flu medication I was taking before I found out I was pregnant?

Was it the quarter glass of champagne on Christmas Day?

Was this all my fault?

In my heart of hearts I think I knew it hadn't been anything I had done, but when you are in limbo like that for 5 days rationality goes out of the window.

In the end, over the days and days of existing, we made a decision on the amnio test. If the scan showed anything, other than the cleft, that pointed to a genetic abnormality we would have the amnio. We would rather know and prepare for the future than spend the next 4 months in limbo. 

I want to stress that this was OUR decision. I am certainly not advocating it as the correct one! You must do what you feel is right for you, your family and (frankly) your mental health. 

We also decided to find out the gender of the baby. This was something we hadn't planned on doing. We hadn't found out with our son and had no intention to with this baby. As the weekend dragged on though, I began to want to know. In fact I think I needed to know. I wanted the baby to be a person with an identity, not an unknown. Not a 'thing with a thing'. I talked it through with my husband and he agreed. It would give us something to focus on. Something positive in the midst of this utter nightmare. 

By Easter Monday, news had got around to people we knew about what was going on. The text messages and emails we got, both direct to us and via our parents, were wonderful. Kind words and reassurances from friends who had had experiences with clefts professionally (as Doctors, Teachers or Speech and Language Therapists), personally, or not at all, was overwhelming. 

Now, Im going to have to be careful here. I don't want to offend any of the lovely people who supported us that week. However the point of this blog is to (hopefully) help other parents know they are not alone in their feelings. Therefore I feel I need to be honest. If you are one of the people who have messaged us or another family offering support please don't be upset or offended by what I am about to say.  

While the messages were a massive comfort, they almost all focused on the Cleft which at the time was the least of our worries. It was the genetic disorders. The unknown. That's what terrified us. I really don't mean that to sound ungrateful or disingenuous to anyone who offered support. We know it was heartfelt and really did appreciate it, but at the same time it increased our (well certainly my) feeling of isolation. A feeling that other people didn't quite 'get it'. This is not a criticism in any way, but it's an honest account of how I felt. 

If you know someone who gets a cleft diagnosis please do contact them. Offer thoughts/prayers/cake. ANYTHING. Because it will be appreciated and leaned upon over the following weeks and months. And if you have had the diagnosis, don't feel guilty about what you feel. Everyone deals with things in different ways. No one is right. Just do what you've got to do to get to the next day. 

And if you were one of my amazing friends and family who offered support, THANK YOU. I have looked back on your messages many times during the weeks and I will never be able to tell you how much they have helped.